Joke of the day!

There were two rival stores across the main street from each
other in a small town in the U.S.One day one of the stores put up a
sign:'The Cheapest Store in This Street'.
'The Cheapest Store in This Town', countered the other.
'... in This Part of the Country'.
'... in This State'.
'... in the USA'.
'... in the Western Hemisphere'.
'... in the World'.
'... in the Universe'.
After a short pause the first store owner simply replaced his sign:
'The Cheapest Store in This Street'.

Ugly Baby

A woman gets on a bus holding her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Really? He's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

watz it?????????

to make it
straight,
she
pulls it.




2 make it
stand
she
rubs it.






2 make it
stiff
she
licks it.




2 let it
in
she
pushes it.





true! threading a needle is not easy !!!

Installing love

Installing Love

 

Customer Service: Can you install Love?

Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install now. What do I do first?

Service: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?

Service: What programs are running?

Customer: Let me see... I have Pasthurt.exe, Lowesteem.exe, Grudge.exe and Resentment.com running right now.

Service: No problem. Love will automatically erase Pasthurt.exe from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually overwrite Lowesteem.exe whit a module of its own, called Highesteem.exe. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge.exe and Resentment.com. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed.
Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Service: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke Forgiveness.exe. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge.exe and Resentment.com have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, I'm done. Love has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?

Service: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your Heart. Do you see that message?

Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?

Service: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts to get the upgrades.

Customer: It says "Error 412 - Program not run on internal components."
What does that mean?

Service: Don't worry, that's a common problem. It means that the Love program is set up to run on external Hearts but has not yet been running on your Heart. It is one o f those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means that you have to "love" your own machine before it can "love" others.

Customer: So what should I do?

Service: Can you find the directory called "Self-acceptance"?

Customer: Yes, I have it.

Service: Excellent, you are getting good at this.

Customer: Thank you.

Service: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "Myheart" directory: Forgiveself.doc, Selfesteem.txt, Realizeworth.txt and Goodness.doc. The system will overwrite conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete "Selfcriticize.exe" from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it! Wow! My Heart is filling up with really neat files. Smile.mpg is playing on my monitor right now, a nd it shows that Warmth.com, Peace.exe and Contentment.com are copying themselves all over my Heart!

Service: Then Love is installed and running successfully. 

Southern Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they  aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town 
prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman  to
the stand.  He approached her and asked,  "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you,  Mr. Williams.  I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly,  you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and  you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think  you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will  amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know  you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not  knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones,  do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied,  "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. He's  lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking  problem.
He can't build a normal  relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst  in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three  different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I 
know him."

 

The defense attorney almost died.

 

The judge asked both  counselors to approach the bench, and in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either  of you bastards asks her if she knows
me, I'll throw your  sorry asses in jail for  contempt."

Zindagi Mei Aur Kya Chahiye?

Requirements hai to design hai
        Design hai to Development hai
                Development hai to Testing hai
                        Testing hai to Defects hai
                                Defects hai to Fixing hai
                                        Fixing hai to More Defects hai
                                              Defects hai to Analysis hai
                                Analysis hai to Requirements hai
                        Requirements hai to Design hai
                Design hai to Development hai
        Matlab Project Gol Gol hai
Bus ghumnewala chahiye..

Bas Aise Hi Zindagi Hai.

Zindagi Hai To Khwaab Hai
       Khwaab Hai To Manzilein Hai
            Manzilein Hai To Fasaley Hai
               Fasaley Hai  To  Rastey Hai
                  Rastay Hai To Mushkilein Hai
                     Mushkilein Hai To Hausla Hai
                       Hausla Hai To Vishawas Hai
                           Vishvas hai to Paisa hai
                              Paisa hai to Shohrat hai
                                   Shohrat hai to Izzat Hai
                                   Izzat hai to Ladki hai

Hey Krishna!!!

Hey Krishna!!! Tu is kalyug mai aa kar to dikha

Tune 18 saal ki umar me Mama Kans ko mara,

Bin Laden ko hath laga kar to dikha

Tune pura parvat ek ungli par uthaya

Mere gym me aa kar ek dumbell utha ke to dikha

Tune bhari mehfil me draupadi ko saree pehnai,

Mallika ko ek jodi kapde pehna ke to dikha

Tune gokul ki 1600 gopia saath me patai,

Meri Company ki ek ladki pata kar to dikha

Tune Arjun ko to Saari Geeta sunayee,

Mere Boss se ek bar baat kar ke to Dikha

Tune to Arjun ka Sarathi banke Pandavon ko jitaaya

India Cricket team ka Coach ban ke WorldCup jitaake to dikha

Hey Krishna !!! Tu is kalyug mai aa kar to dikha

An Interesting C Program

 AN INTERESTING C PROGRAM
 
#include<STD ISD PCO.h>
#include<love.h>


main()
{
  goto college;
  scanf("100%",&ladies);

  if(lady == beautiful_lady )
      line++;
  while( !reply )
  {
 
        printf("I Love U");     
                                    
      scanf("100%",&reply);

  }

  if(reply == "GAALI")        
      main();  /* go back and repeat the process */
 
else if(reply ==  "SANDAL ")      
    exit(1);                 
                


  else if(reply == "I Love U")      
  {
      lover = beautiful_lady    ;       
      love = (heart*)malloc(sizeof(lover));
  }

  goto restaurant;

  restaurant:
  {
       food++;
       smile++;
      pay->money = lover->money;
      return(college);
  }
 
  if(tim

What's love?

When you are together with that special someone,

you pretend to ignore that person.

But when that special someone is not around,

you might look around to find them.
At that moment, you are in love.

 

Although there is someone else who always makes you laugh,
your eyes and attention might go only to that special someone.
Then, you are in love.

 

Although that special someone was supposed to have called you long back,
to let you know of their safe arrival, your phone is quiet.
You are desperately waiting for the call!
At that moment, you are in love.

 

If you are much more excited for one short e-mail from that special someone than other many long e-mails,
you are in love.

 

When you find yourself as one who cannot erase all the emails or SMS messages in your phone because of one message from that special someone,

you are in love.

 

When you get a couple of free movie tickets,

you would not hesitate to think of that special someone.
Then, you are in love.

 

You keep telling yourself, "that special someone is just a friend",

but you realize that you can not avoid that person's special attraction.

At that moment, you are in love.

 

While you are reading this,

if someone appears in your mind,
then u are in love with that person...;))

U 'ill luv me 2 find this...Nice thing 2 try

Hi Guyzzzz & grlssszzzz!!!!!

It really works!!!Simply amazzzzzing!!!

Jus copy & paste this link in the address bar#####

 

 

http://www.crushcalculator.com/content/love/485179765

Check it out fast...

Regards,

NITIN

Can you read this????

Can you raed tihs?

Olny srmat poelpe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!...........

Funny laws....but how true !!!!

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

 

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

 

Kovac's Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

 

Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

 

O'brien's Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

 

BELL'S THEOREM:
When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

 

RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

 

WILLOUGHBY'S LAW:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

 

ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

 

BREDA'S RULE:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

 

OWEN'S LAW:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Hearing test-good one

  A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
  thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
  her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor
  told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to
  give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

  Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
  her,  and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
  you.
  If  not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a
  response."

  That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
  in the  den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
  what happens."
  Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

  No response.

  So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
  wife  and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

  Still no response.

  Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his

  wife  and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"

  Again he gets no response so,

  He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's
  for dinner?"

  Again there is no response.

  So he walks right up behind her.  "Honey, what's for dinner?"

  ;



  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  ;

  "James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"



  Moral of the story:
  The problem may not be with the other one as we always think,
  could be  very much within us..!

Lucky Dinner Nite

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a  second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go  on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still  pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she  invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

INTERESTING MATHEMATICS

Romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman =                
______________________________
 

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________


SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________


GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________


LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
___________________________

Monkey in Plane

Once in America a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in
 the plane was left alive.

 Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our
 language
 and reply in actions. The officials went to see the monkey in the
 hospital and had a talk with the
 monkey.

 Officer: "When the plane took off what were the travelersdoing?"

 Monkey: "Tying their belts"

 Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

 Monkey: "Saying Hello! Good morning!"

 Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

 Monkey: "Checking the system"

 Officer: "What were you doing?"

 Monkey: "Looking for my people"

 Officer: "After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?"

 Monkey: "Having beverages and snacks"

 Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

 Monkey: "Serving the travelers"

 Officer: "What were the Pilots doing?"

 Monkey: "Handling the steering"

 Officer: "What were you doing?"

 Monkey: "Eating & throwing"

 Officer: "After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?"

 Monkey: "Some were sleeping and some were reading"

 Officer: "What were the airhostesses doing?"

 Monkey: "Make up"

 Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

 Monkey: "Handling the steering"

 Officer: "What were you doing?"

 Monkey: "Nothing"

 Officer: "Just before plane crash what were the travelers doing?"

 Monkey: "All were sleeping"

 Officer: "What were the pilots doing?"

 Monkey: "Handling the air hostess "

 Officer: what were you doing?
 Monkey: handling the steering !!!!!

sMiLe

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The
girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play
house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no
idea what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the
husband then."

FW: This one is good.........

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.
The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about  this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal
at only  $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a
result
its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad
minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". In Saying this, she
buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the
woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam"

"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to
laugh. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un-f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new
prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.
They were still all laughing when the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In-f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the
same old clients..... How ya doin', Dave?"

wonderful explanation!

Sometimes we wonder,

"What did I do to deserve this", or

"Why did God have to do this to me".

 Here is a wonderful explanation!

 

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

 

A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong,

she's failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and

her best friend is moving away.

 

Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter

if she would like a snack, and the daughter says,

"Absolutely Mom, I love your cake."

 

"Here, have some cooking oil," her Mother offers.

"Yuck" says her daughter.

 

"How about a couple raw eggs?"

“Gross, Mum!"

 

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"

"Mum, those are all yucky!"

 

To which the mother replies, "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves,

 but when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

 

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad

and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order,

they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually,

 they will all make something wonderful!

 

God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.

Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe,

 and He chose your heart.

Some good mktg slogans

some good mktg slogans.

1) Sign on a railway station at Patna:
Aana free, jaana free, pakde gaye to khana free.

2) Seen on a famous beauty parlor in Bombay:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may
be your grandmother!

3) Seen on a bulletin board:
Success is relative. More the success, more the
relatives.

4)Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:
We need your heads to run our business.

5)A traffic slogan:
Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough
-or else they never will be.....

6)Sign in a restaurant:
All drinking water in this establishment has been
personally passed by the manager.

THE BEST ONE :

7) Its God's responsibility to forgive the terrorist
organizations such as Jaish, Lashkar etc.
Its our responsibility to arrange the meeting between
them and God.

" Life is a series of collisions with the future....."